.in need of stitching.

.in need of stitching.  On Saturday our little Asher fell down the stairs.  About 10 of them, all wooden.  I saw it coming and screamed in terror as I watched his head hit ever single step on the way down.  When I picked him up about a second after he landed there was blood spilling from his head and he was hysterical.  I was too.  Everybody rushed up the stairs and as I wiped the blood away I knew we had to go into see a doctor right away.  He had cut open his forehead (well, a space between his eyes really) so deep that I could see through two layers of skin straight to his skull.  No mother should ever see inside their child like that - it is haunting.  I still get chills.

At the doctors Asher did great.  He seemed like his normal self while we waited.  He played with cars and read books, all while having a big whole in between his eyes.  In the office he was amazing.  The doctors cleaned him up and stitched him shut without him even flinching.  I was proud of him for being so brave.  

And then there was me.  Stomach aching the rest of the day as I kept replaying the fall over and over and over.  And seeing the cut over and over and over.  I was not so brave and I am still telling them to hold the railing each time anyone goes up and down our steps.  I wish I could of had the doctor give me something to forget what I saw.

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Yesterday was another rough day around here.  Nobody fell down the stairs.  Nobody was horribly injured.  Nobody spilled blood.  Yet my heart was breaking.  It was breaking for a once orphan that I wanted to be mine.

He is not.  Another family will be calling him their son.  And I should be happy.....and I am.  But I am also a bit saddened.  Saddened that he will not be here.

The truth is I have been praying for this specific child since before Tariku came home.  His story is deeply a part of Tariku's and I will always be grateful for how God used him to help my son.  I have wanted him in our home for a while, and asked Aaron about him several times over the past few months.  However it never seemed right.  Something was always stopping us from getting him.  And rightly so - we have had a busy year.  I think I always knew it would never be, but I wrestled with God about it - and will continue to for a while.  

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The good news is that God knows my pain and disappointment   And He will be able to stitch up my heart.  It might not take 5 days for it to heal, like Ashers sweet face.  But God will heal my brokenness - all of it, completely.  As he heals all of us.  And all our pain.

Instead of choosing to be broken today I am choosing to live in His peace.  I am grateful that He was there to help guide Asher down our stairs.  His fall could have been much, much, worse then 3 stitches.

And I am choosing to be at peace over this sweet boy that so many love.  He has a family!!!  Today I am rejoicing over that.  Yes it is hard to accept that it is not ours but I am excited that he won't be waiting much longer to join his parents, wherever they are.  Thank you Jesus!  .in need of stitching.